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Give Me Some Of That Baboon Piss, ‘Cause I’m In The Mood For Love

Sexy couple b&w Italian looking guyWe’ve all heard talk about aphrodisiacs that supposedly stimulate certain nerve endings or elevate the heart rate and energy level to get the ol’ motor running, but as I mentioned in the comment section of Kiersten Hallie Krum‘s Monday blog, I’m not buying it. I’ve slurped my share of oysters, eaten plenty of chocolate, and actually really like asparagus, yet to date I’ve not seen my libido make the leap from healthy erotic writer’s imagination to nymphomaniac sex goddess delirium. So what gives?

Maybe it’s all a bunch of phooey, or maybe I just haven’t been exposed to the right kind of stimulant. So this intrepid Lady Smut blogger went in search of other, more exotic (and, perchance, more effective) aphrodisiacs that I may have missed. After all, this week we’re celebrating the release of Liz Everly’s Cravings and I want to do my part to share the fun.

I decided to take my aphrodisiac search to the global stage. I feel that I’m fairly familiar with the usual fare revered on these shores – chocolate, cherries, and the like. And besides, my writer mind thinks, maybe there are interesting stimulants to be found that could be fun to incorporate in a future book. So a-hunting I went, making my first stop with that age-old pinnacle of a sex manual, the Kama Sutra.

To be fair, as I understand it, the Kama Sutra is actually a compendium of healthy and virtuous living with only one of the texts focusing on sexual behavior. But let’s be honest, that’s the one we’re interested in! Part of the offered advice in the manual pertains to increasing sexual vigor, and there are a variety of ways to achieve this. Tell your lover to put away the Viagra. Cap that Cialis! Per the wisdom in the Kama Sutra, all he needs to do is drink milk mixed with sugar and boiled goat testicle and he’ll be wooing you til the cows come home – or until he projectile vomits the concoction – whichever comes first.

If the goat testicle/sugary milk elixir doesn’t do it for you, there are a number of other supposed aphrodisiacs containing animal-based ingredients looming out there as well, suggestions from beyond the Kama Sutra. Oysters we know about. But there’s also poached rhinoceros horns and white tiger penises – endangered species, anyone? Camel’s milk, bird’s nest soup, and – my favorite one of all – baboon urine. This last suggestion makes its way to us from Zimbabwe. It doesn’t cause men to be more virile per se, but instead makes him more faithful. If your man’s been casting a wandering eye upon other women, the cure is a simple one. Just mix a bit of primate pee and ground tree root, apply to vagina nightly and presto-chango! Your man is suddenly once more yours, never to look wayward again. What a relief!

Some more palatable, and practical, alleged aphrodisiacs include eating hot chili peppers, licorice, or yohimbe. The latter is derived from the bark of a tree found in West Africa. However, yohimbine oil, which is what you’re after, has been approved by the FDA for treating erectile dysfunction in men and your man could actually get a prescription for it. It’s even discussed on WebMD!

There’s other weird stuff out there – roasted leaf cutter ants, fertilized duck eggs – but all of these supposed enhancements have me wondering about the larger question of why they’re  needed at all. Certainly there are legitimate and real physical and psychological reasons for why sexual aid is sometimes required. But those issues aside, a healthy relationship filled with commitment, trust, attraction, and love often has what it needs to keep the fires warm and the engines revving. Let the baboons keep their pee. Who knows, maybe it makes baboon females go ape shit. 🙂Cravings

What do you think? Any good ones you think should be discussed? Sound off in the comments below, and don’t forget to pick yourself up a copy of Cravings. Oh, and click on that little follow link below. Pretty please?

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with my webmaster, Alla. {photo credits: Alessandro Bologna}